The Lamb and the Lion
by Tomiko Lou
Summary: COMPLETE. An idiot, spoilt brat moves to some rainy hell-hole and meets some other idiot pedophile; basically, just another Twilight parody. Please read if you support my vendetta against SMeyer.
1. Charlie's Punishment

**Hello.**

**I started this when I was fairly new to this site, and so the writing isn't too flash. But I promise it gets funnier as it goes on.**

**review please. x  
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I never gave much thought as to how I would die, but I guess it's best to die in the place of someone you love.

Well not really. God, why did my mum have to go and get herself kidnapped!? Stupid Woman!

Well, she didn't really get kidnapped; it was just me being a complete idiot, as usual. You see…well this story could be explained in about a paragraph, but instead I'll draw it into a four book series and an award winning movie.

Oh Edward where are you?

The Hunter stares at me from across the room, the malice and longing printed on his face, copied a thousand times by the hundreds of mirrors that where set all around the abandoned dance studio for some reason.

The Hunter moves forwards, ready to kill.

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I searched the swarm of people at the airport for the fat, balding figure of Charlie. Hopefully he wouldn't be in his police uniform. He used to wear it every day and every night before Mum left him. He was proud of it, said becoming a cop was the only accomplishment in his life apart from once catching a Thirty centimeter boot and a ten centimeter fish in the local damn. 'And marrying your mother and having you, of course, Genna dear,' he would always add.

I ground my teeth thinking of this. Why the hell had I come back?? Oh yes that's right, it all started-

'Genevieve!' said Charlie; I could now see him coming towards me.

'Uh, I'm Bella…' I began, in my deep manly voice.

'Oh, uh right…' said Charlie, folding his arms and searching his mind for something to say and cover up the awkward mistake.

He was fatter than I remember, but that was the only thing I could think to comment , So I kept my mouth shut, jumping away as he attempted to give me a welcoming hug.

'Uh... I brought you a gift.' I said quickly and bluntly, unzipping my bag and rummaging through it, and soon pulling out my hand with a three dollar mood ring clutched in it, which I handed to the fat old cop.

'Oh um, thanks…' said Charlie, looking a little confused. I allowed him to put his hand on my shoulder and lead me out of the airport. He slipped the ring into a bin when he thought I wasn't looking.

The car trip was filled with a heavy silence. I clenched my fists as I remembered my child hood in the small, rainy town of Forks we would soon be arriving in.

I noticed Charlie glanced at me out of the corner of his eye quite a few times, and it wasn't a problem until about the eighth time he did it. He let out a yelp and swerved into the next lane, narrowly avoiding six cars.

'Oh my god,' he panted, once sure he wasn't going to collide with any oncoming traffic, 'did you get a haircut?!'

'…Um, no?' I said angrily. Had he finally lost it? Or had he been slowly sinking into insanity all those years me and mum were away from him and the fact that now he had someone in his life again a little too much for him?

'Oh, well you should, it looks like shit.' He said simply, calming down and facing the road again.

I mumbled insults under my breath until I saw the sign welcoming us to Forks and my stomach clenched; we were here.

I was born in _that_ hospital. We used to go for lunch at _that_ park. Mum and Charlie used to take turns at pushing me on _that_ swing. I once threw up in _that_ public toilet and threw a temper tantrum in _that_ general store when Charlie bought me the Cinderella colouring-in-book instead of the Snow White one; he was always a terrible father.

And then we were here, in the house I spent the first eight years of my life in and now, hopefully, would only be spending another year in.

Charlie led me threw the messy lounge room and up the rickety staircase into my old bedroom with the old Snow White wall paper. Hot tears rolled down my face as I unpacked my bag.

Stupid Charlie. He has no friends and I totally know why. Even I'm more popular than him and I was voted _Most likely to marry out of fear of dying alone and then be divorced three years later and be stuck making coffee for business men while their ex-husband runs naked along the beach with their marriage councilor_ by the High-School year book committee.

But before I was able to take my anger out on my pillow and eat my weight in Ice-cream, I noticed a truck pulling up in the drive way, and Charlie's oldest and dearest friend emerged and I mumbled more insults, before heading downstairs to get ice-cream.

When I left the kitchen, with 60 kilos of ice-cream, I recognized Billie Black. Charlie went fishing with him every Sunday when Mum was still here. She hated, and so I decided I would ignore him. That was until I noticed his son Jacob, and I thought it I owed it to myself to talk to him, as he was the closest thing I'd had to a boyfriend my whole life, and that was only because we used to play in mud together without tops on.

'Oh Billie, you remember my daughter, Jen- I mean, Bella?' said Charlie monotonously, his eyes pasted to the TV all the time he spoke. Was I the only one who realized that they were actually watching a gardening show and were just too lazy to change the channel?

'Aw….Yep.' mumbled Billie, in his comical Texan accent, as he helped himself to more buttered bacon.

'Dad, you do realize you're watching a gardening show?' I turned around to find the owner of the deep, kind voice. Jacob had spoken for the first time, and he smiled at me when I looked at him. I blushed, he was quite good looking, apart from the fact his nose turned up at the sides and his hair was down to his waist.

Charlie grumbled. 'You really had to point that out, didn't you, Jake? Now I have to go change the channel! God, kids these days!'

'Jacob! Get a haircut!' barked Billie, in an unnaturally dog like voice.

Jacob turned to me and said in his own comical Texan voice; 'Hi Bella, remember me? We used to make Mud Pies together!'

'Yeah, aint she cute?' said Charlie, attempting to pinch my cheeks.

'Don't touch me,' I ordered venomously, gritting my teeth.

Charlie withdrew his hand quickly, as if cautious of getting bitten.

'Oh yeah, Bella, I bought a truck off Billie for you, for $50!' boomed Charlie. He blew up his chest proudly, making it impossible for anyone to ignore his police badge.

Charlie led me outside and showed me a tiny, rundown buggy. 'Well, wadda ya think?' he asked, puffing out his once more.

'Well...' I began, looking for a positive point, but I couldn't find one and said honestly: 'It's not really a truck.'

'Who cares? I bought you a car! I bought you a fucking car! Now drive it, and enjoy it!' instructed Charlie, shaking his fist and heading inside to watch Football.

I turned to Jacob, who had followed me outside like an obedient dog.

'Do you go to Forks high?' I asked him, shyly.

'No, I go to school in the Reservation. Only whores and people too dumb to survive in other schools to Forks.' He said simply. 'And you, I guess,' he added quickly.

I sighed; even if I was going to know somebody there at Forks high, it was still going to be my first day at a new school, and from past experience, it was still going to be hell.


	2. There He Goes

**God i hate Bella. Read on!** **review please, x**

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I made my way up to the grey building on my first day at Forks High, reading the graffiti scribbled on every possible place: the toilets, the rundown class rooms, the sign for the school, the year seven's faces.

I entered the under privileged office, the vile smell of cigarette smoke intoxicating my nose. 'Hello,' I croaked at the fat receptionist, who looked like a dead toad. 'My Dad enrolled my here. His name is Charlie Swan…'

'Oh yes, we've been expecting you, Genevieve,' the woman coldly, her face expressionless, her rolls of fat handing from her chair.

'It's Bella…' I insisted, but she had already thrown my time-table into my face and shoved me out the door.

I put my head up to the small, glass window set into the door to the front-office. I watched at the receptionist let up a cigarette and, upon realizing I was peering in on her, gave me the finger.

I checked my time table. I had English; I hate English. But never the less, I headed off towards A1.14.

At the end of the session a blonde boy who had been eying my cleavage all the way through class came and introduced himself. 'Hi, I'm Mike, would you like me to show you to my bedroom- I mean, your next class?'

I shrugged. Why was he talking to me? He had a red spot on his nose; I didn't like him.

He took my arm and pulled me to my next class. On the way he told me all about how excellent he was a guitar, causing my blood to boil uncomfortably.

I was just about to tell him he should think about using a cover up stick for his nose when he chirped happily; 'Well, we're here.' He motioned at the class-room we were now blocking the door of.

I smiled weakly and made sure I sat at a table with only one other person and no space for anyone else. The teacher informed us that this was going to be our first of many Sex-Ed' classes. He told us to discuss "how to make babies" with each other.

I sighed. We had already done this at my old school, god!

I turned to the only boy on my table, and gasped at how gorgeous he was. He had fashionably messy, copper coloured hair - or at least, I assume it was supposed to be messed up casually, but instead he looked more like Jimmy Neutron. His prefect chiseled jaw was breath taking, as were his pale skin and jet black eyes. I noticed his pupils dilate when he looked at me, which technically doesn't make sense, because is his eyes were jet black I wouldn't be able to see his pupils. He moved as far away from me as he could without falling off his chair – Oh wait, he just fell off his chair.

He picked himself up, dusting off his lovely shirt with the top button undone. I could see the top of his gorgeous chest hairs poking out.

He stared at me like I was a rotten peace of fish. Perhaps I was a rotten piece of fish, as he seemed to be trying to block his nose without me realizing. Oh, I just realized the boy sitting behind us farted.

'So, um, what do you know about making children?' I asked, blushing.

'My species can't have chi- I mean, the egg travels down the fallopian tube…'

Damn, he was right.

At lunch, I couldn't avoid Mike and he led me over to a table with three girls sitting at it.

'These are my friends Angela, Jessica and the other one.' He beamed at me, and the girl called Jessica batted her eyelids at him.

'Hello,' I snapped at them.

'Oh Mark, you're so funny!' said Jessica.

'But I didn't say anything…' he said, his brow furrowing deeply.

Just as he said that, the boy who I had sat next to in Sex Ed walked in, followed by four other beautiful, pale skinned kids.

They got their food, and sat down at a table away from everyone else, not eating the muck that had been dumped on their plate by the scowling cafeteria woman, but pulling it apart with their long, delicate fingers.

'Who are they?' I asked stupidly, starting to drool.

'Oh, they're the Cullens. The hot ones called Edward. I think he's gay or something,' said Jessica, shrugging and reappliying her lip gloss.

'Why do you say that?' I asked sadly. I could feel my heart breaking.

'Oh-uh, never mind.' Her eyes drifted to the window, her mind evidently in a place far away.

_Mean While in Jessica's Flashback._

_Jessica watches from across the street as Edward plays with his dolls and sings to them._

_She approaches happily, tripping over a poodle. She has to admit; she is a tad drunk._

_'Oh Edward,' she giggles insanely, 'you're SO funny!'_

_'Oh, hi Jessica…' He says awkwardly, as he tries to stuff his dolls into his bag._

_Jessica begins to unbutton her cardigan. 'You want some of this?' she whispers to him._

_'Uh, no Jessica, I'm fine…'_

_'Why?' she wails, smiling, 'Everyone else does…'_

_'No Jessica - Jessica - LEAVE! LEAVE ME ALONE!' Edward bellows, pushing her away from him, for she has been trying to kiss him._

_'Fine then,' she says, deciding to go find the boys who hang out behind the bowling Alley._

_Once she leaves, Edward takes out his favorite doll. _

_'Oh Daphne, you're my only friend.' He sighs, hugging the doll close._

'Oh, and the little dark haired girl,' She pointed to a girl who reminds me of an elf, possibly because of her red and white and green costume and pointed ears, 'that's Alice. She is _SO_ WEIRD. Just look at what she's wearing!' Jessica exclaimed.

'The one who looks like he's in pain is Jacob.' Said Mike.

'Mike, he has Leukemia.' Said Angela Angrily.

'Oh….right….' He shrugged his shoulders, his eyes shifting to the second pale skinned girl. 'And the blonde one who looks like she's walked of a playboy magazine is Rosalie.' A line of drool ran down his chin.

'And the hairy one is Emmett.' Says the girl whose name Mike didn't mention.

_So those were the Cullens_, I thought. They looked so smug, so beautiful, so sure of themselves, and I decided I hated them.


	3. An Inconvenient Truth

**I've been nagged into continuing this story, but that's okay, because the reviews were very kind and I enjoyed writing this chapter. Next chapter might take a while, as I have three other stories I'd like to write!**

**Review please? x**

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The next day I avoided sitting with Mike and the girls. I didn't like them; they were prettier than me. How dare they be prettier than me!

I gaze around the room. One of the four beautiful Cullen children isn't there. Edward's missing. How fucking dare he! It's not like he's allowed to get sick or anything, what if I needed to talk to him? ME ME ME I NEED TO TALK TO HIM.

And what did I need to talk to him about? I was going to apologize for smelling bad yesterday. I mean, it's not _my_ fault that Charlie bought me the wrong type of deodorant, it's entirely his fault!

Oh fucking brilliant, two boys have detached from the swarm of populars, which were incidentally Mike and friends. The African American one just introduced them, but I wasn't listening to what their names were. I was too busy glaring at the Korean boy who had been eyeing the curves concealed under my shirt

'So yeah, wanna come to the beach with us?' The boy who had introduced them asks. This is getting confusing; I'm going to call them douche 1, and douche 2.

'Uh, no, I…' I what? _I what_! I need an excuse, and quickly. 'I have an appointment with my Gynecologist.' Ah, that's an excellent excuse. Good one, Me!

Douche 1's frowning as if I'm crazy; well, at least _I'm_ not the one wearing a Bring Me the Horizon shirt. Douche 2 has just asked what a Gynecologist is. Douche 1 just told him it's someone who tends to toe nails. These people are idiots!'

'No, it's a Vagina Doctor,' says Mike, who has just joined us.

'Ooh, ooh! I want to be one!' squeals Douche 2. I have decided he's probably a Porn Addict who needs to get laid – Oh, he's just pulled out a Playboy magazine from his pocket. Yes, he's definitely a porn addict who needs to get laid.

'Bella, can I come with you to your Vagina appointment?' asked Douche 1.

I decide to change my story so I don't have to bring him along. 'Uh – no, I just remembered that's next month. I can't come to the beach because – um – I have a shipment of Cocaine coming in I need to look after.' I lie stealthily.

They all look Crest fallen.

At that instant, I realize if I see them outside of school it will be much easier to slip some arsenic into their drinks than it would be at school. 'Actually, I'll get my pimp to take care of the shipment,' another intricate lie that they'll never see through. 'I'd love to come to the beach with you, as long as you all promise to leave each of your drinks unattended for five to ten minutes.'

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Edward doesn't come to school for four days. Or maybe he did and I just didn't notice. Oh well, it's not my fault that I'm not a very observant person, it's all Charlie fault! He should have had better genes.

In that time I've taken to sitting with Jessica and Mike and the others to get information on their daily rituals, so I can work out what hours of the day they'll be alone and open for assassination. I also failed Sport, big whoop. Also, the girl who's name I still don't know hates me, not too sure why. Oh god, what if she found out about my plan to slip arsenic into her drink!

My mind resurfaces to reality as I notice a tall, copper haired boy come into the room. Oh that delicious chiseled jaw he has. It's so very delicious that I could write a book about it and spend three pages of each chapter describing it, but of course I won't, because it would start a creepy blood sucking colt and brain wash twelve year olds worldwide into thinking they can find love and have a boyfriend who can solve every problem in their life, which is sexist and incredibly unrealistic.

Luckily I have Sex Ed. next so I can stare at that chiseled jaw.

I dash to sit with him in class, knocking over half a dozen people. How dare they get in my way!

Ah, here I am in my rightful place next to the chiseled jawed god. I'm wearing very expensive perfume. It's not actually perfume, it's just that stuff you spray in the toilet when there are poo-stains, but it smells pretty damn good!

'Hi!' I practically shout in his face. He doesn't answer, so I decide to keep talking. 'I like your face, can I touch it! It looks like this doll I had when I was five, but one time I had a really bad cold, and I ran out of tissues so I wiped my boogies in the dolls hair, and then I couldn't take it to bed because it was just too damn sticky. Did you ever have dolls?'

To my surprise he looks completely embarrassed and panicked. 'What! I don't have dolls! Who told you that? They must be crazy! Not me, I'm not Crazy! I have NO dolls! Nuh-uh! Not here, not me! Please don't hit me, Daphne's middle name is Jane!' he shouts quickly back, just as the teacher enters the room.

The Teacher starts to explain about periods, and Edward's drooling as the teacher talks about blood. I decide this isn't that odd, and just busy myself staring at his jaw.

After class he approaches me at the lockers. Ohmigawwwwwwd, he's going to ask me out! I can feel it in my bones!

'I don't want to be friends with you. You smell.' he says, before walking off.

I spend the rest of the week crying, and then on the way to the beach I sob repeatedly, and because I'm an all-round pissy person, I break Mike's nose.

Well now we're at the beach. I've encouraged the others to go for a walk on the beach, and am preparing the arsenic.

Oh for god's sake, Jacob's here. Can life get any worse?

He bounds up to me, panting like an excited dog. He rolls on his back, his tongue hanging out of his mouth, looking up at me, waiting for me to scratch his belly and I do him the pleasure.

I go for a walk with him, so that when everyone drinks the arsenic-laced-drinks I won't be there.

'Do you know Edward Cullen? He's so pretty. I hate him. Edward Cullen, Edward Cullen, Edward Cullen,' I say conversationally when silence laps around us.

Jacob lets a low growl escape his chest. 'Edward isn't allowed here on the reservation. His family hates our family.'

'Why?' I ask, between muttering Edward's name over and over.

'Well, if you believe such things, Edward's family is what we call the cold skins…or something, I wasn't really listening when Dad started crapping on about it.' Jacob told me sternly.

'Well that's a bit unfair. Just because he has cold skin is no reason to be mean, I mean, for all you know his family might have a really powerful air conditioning unit or something,'

'Uh…no,' Jacob begins. 'Cold Skins are the arch enemy of my family. My family is descended from wolves. That's why we shit outside.'

I stare at him for a while. He seems to think I'm stunned by how amazing this story is, but really I'm just disgusted. '…You're descended from wolves?'

He nods.

'What the hell! Seriously, what the fuck! You should all be taken in for scientific experiment! I mean…fuck! What the hell! That's just fucked up; you're a completely different species, that's just-'

'Would you shut the hell up? God, no wonder Edward hates you.' And with that he ran off.


	4. If You Wanted Honesty

**Hi.**

**I have no idea if this chapter is in the right order, I somehow doubt it.**

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It was Icy the Next Morning.

On my way to the car I tripped over and cracked my skull open. As the blood poured from my head and soaked into my chocolate hair, Charlie ran over, eager to help me up.

'Get off! Just because I have a fatal wound an am ridiculously clumsy gives you no right to come near me!' I scream at him, and I jump in my buggy and zoom off.

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Children flock around the school parking lot, talking and laughing. God, my life is so awful! I stand at my truck, glaring at my reflection in the mirror and trying to pick some toast out of my teeth. Stupid Charlie, if he had bought me cereal instead of toast I wouldn't have toast in my teeth!

I hear the screech of tires and the gasps and shrieks of the children around me. What do they want? How dare they gasp and shriek! I hate them!

I turn to tell them to sod off, when I realize a four-wheel-drive driven by Douche 1 as about to reduce me to a pulp of whiny blood and guts. What an idiot! He's going to kill me, how dare he! God! My lawyer shall hear of this. Oh I just realized I'll be dead in a few seconds so there's not much point suing him.

I decide to spend my last moments staring at Edward's chiseled jaw. Wait! Where's Edward gone?! He was on the other wide of the parking lot playing with his dollies not five minutes ago! Oh, can't worry about that now, it's time to die!

I shut my eyes just as the Van comes to hit, but it stops. Yeah, go me! It was all me! I stopped the van crashing into me, thank god for myself!

Hey wait, I'm too clumsy to save myself, if I had tried to stop a four-wheel-drive I probably would have started a third World War.

I've decided it's probably a good idea to open my eyes, so I do. OH, the Chiseled Jawed god is there! HOMMAFAGOAWD.

Oh he's gone, damn.

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Well, now I'm in hospital, fan-fucking-tastic. Of course, the car didn't even touch me but anyway, something about a bleed in my brain from cracking my head open on the ice earlier this morning or something, how ridiculous!

Whoa, this really hot Doctor just came over. His white-blonde hair gleamed in the light cast from the cheap lamps in this shitty little hospital. He has pale skin, and gleaming golden eyes. WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THIS TOWN AND FUCKED UP SKIN CONDTIONS!

'Well Sir, it seems the conglomeration in your Stomach is going well, now please open your third mouth – Oh wait, Humans only have one mouth, right? Yeah thought so. Anyway, about the conglomeration, it's – OH MY GOD, IT'S EATING YOU FROM THE INSIDE – Oh wait, silly me, the charts upside down. Well, despite the fact that you suffered massive blood loss and nearly died twice today, you're free to go. Now get the hell out of my house,' he smiled at me and beckoned towards the door.

I was at the door when he said; 'Oh by the way, I'm Carlisle and I'm Edward's adoptive father. I just thought you should know that even though you've never met me before and didn't ask me anything about my family. Well, bye!'

I shook my head. Charlie was waiting for me. He rushed over, asking if I was okay. I told him to fuck off and then continued walking.

OHGGGGGGMYGAWWWWD Edward's here, he must be in love with me! I love him, Yay!

Oh, he just walked past me and asked the receptionist if he could go see his father. Well, I suppose that's a lot more plausible, anywho.

Oh, I'm so ridiculously Clumsy, I just tripped over a grain of sand on the floor of the hospital. God damn it grain of sand! Why must you hate me so?

Edward was there in an instant, stopping me from falling. He does love me!

'Uhh, sorry,' he said in his nasally, nasally voice, letting go of me in an instant. 'I just didn't want the grain of sand to get hurt, well, bye!' he said hurriedly.

I had been too busy looking at his jaw to realize he was talking. 'What? No! Wait!' Quick, Bella think! What's a way to get him to pay five more minutes' worth of attention to you! 'How did you save me! You were on the other side of the car park!'

'What? No I wasn't? Shut up! Leave Daphne out of this! No, I can't kill them. But the knives are in the kitchen!' and away he went.

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The break before our Next Sex-Ed lesson, I went and yelled at the Chiseled Jawed god.

'How dare you be prettier than me, I hate you! I'll see you in Sex-Ed!' I yelled at him.

'I won't be in Sex-Ed; I'm wagging because I want to show off for you. Also because I have no blood so I won't be able to get hard to give you guys Sperm, and I don't want people saying I have erectile Dysfunction!' and with that he stalked off.

_Later in Sex-Ed…._

'Okay Kids, today in a normal school, we would be in Biology Class and we'd be taking blood samples and testing which blood type we are or some shit like that, but seeming this is in "Fuck-you-Stephanie-Meyer" Land and we're in Sex-Ed, the boys will be giving us Sperm samples and then we'll be testing to see if each Sperm is X or Y. Okay boys, come get magazines and a test tubes!' the teacher said happily, rattling a box of playboy magazines.

Half an hour later the room smelt like fish, so I decided to be all dramatic and add some random, stupid plot to this ridiculous story, and so fainted due to the smell of Sperm.

I walked out of the class room and headed to the office, walking slowly and panting to add dramatic effect; it failed, but seeming as Edward's a fuck-tart, he seemed to think I was dying.

'Bella? Are you alright? Not that I care because I hate you and stuff, but I'm just going to carry you off to the office,'

'Wow,' I gasped, as my skin tingled maddeningly as he lifted me into his arms. 'You're so big and strong,'

'Not really, you're just an anorexic bitch. Why did you faint?'

'The smell or sperm makes me feel icky.' I told him dramatically, putting my hand to my head like they do in movies.

'Really? I love it. I mean, no I don't! Shut up, you're not HALF the woman Daphne is! Go drown in sperm!' he yelled, and stalked off.


	5. The Ugly Vest

**Please review, now read away! Xx.**

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As my life in Forks had put me in a state of depression, I decided I would run away to the circus.

My plan was to stow away in the Pigeon Exterminator van that was coming to our school tomorrow. This meant having to endure another day of school.

I went to sit with Jessica and Mike as this would be my last chance to poison them. As I attempted to slip some arsenic in their drinks, Jessica babbled on about the upcoming school formal.

'So yeah, I think someone with, like, blonde hair would go great with my new pink dress. It'll really bring out the –um – pinkness of it…' she said, directing the statement at Mike, who was flipping through the latest addition of playboy, his mouth hanging open slightly.

'Actually,' Jessica began, attempting to capture his interest once more, 'Your shade of blonde would look majorly HOT with my dress, not to mention my cleavage.'

At the mention of cleavage, Mike's ears pricked up. 'Speaking of cleavage,' he said moronically, 'Bella, wanna go to the formal with me? Don't worry, I'll use a condom,' he told me, giving me a devilish wink.

Jessica turned the slightest shade of Lime. I scowled at him. 'In your fucking dreams. Now shut the hell up and drink your arsenic!' I screamed, throwing his drink over him.

'Suit yourself, bitch.' He said nonchalantly. 'Jessica, you're on the pill, right?'

Jessica's cake-face lit up in a bright smile. 'Oh yes!' She chirped. 'And my genital infection that I caught form that jock has finally cleared up!'

I jumped up, scowling, and stormed past the Cullens, who were all sitting under a tree, taking it in turns to slit their wrists with their teeth.

I snuck into the Pigeon Exterminators van, and at four I arrived in Port Angeles. I soon realized the flaw in my ingenious plan when it occurred to me that there was no Circus in Port Angeles, so I began walking down random lanes until the sun disappeared behind the earth.

And, to my disgust, a man in the most hideous vest I'd ever had the misfortune to see asked me then time.

I began to scream. I turned and ran, but he broke chase.

'Please! Come back! I'm supposed to meet my daughter at 7:30 for dinner but I left my watch at home! I just want to know the time!' He called after me, his hideous, brown, woolen vest flapping ion the cool air.

'Stay away from me!' I cried. 'You hideous, hideous little man!'

Just then, a well manicured car (I assume it belonged to a gay guy from Manhattan) pulled up. The door flew open, and my eyes rested upon the chiseled jawed god. Well, I was half right.

'Bella,' He said in his nasally voice. 'Get in! Quick!' I obeyed.

'What the hell were you doing, wondering the streets at night?! Do you know what types of fashion sense people around here have!?' He scolded, glancing at me as he sped down the road.

'What were you doing following me, it's none of your business where I go!' I screeched.

'Yeah well, I have no social life so I decided to follow you, because I'm not creepy at all and I _certainly_ don't watch you sleep!' He said happily, smiling to himself, but his expression suddenly turned sour. 'Bella, keep talking to me. If you don't distract me, I won't be able to stop myself going back to that guy and- and…'

'And what!?' I questioned, flabbergasted. What an excellent word! High five for Bella!

'And buy him a new vest!' He snarled, tightening his grip on the polished steering wheel.

I gasped. "Oh Edward, please no!'

'Hey look; a restaurant!' he said excitedly, pulling left vigorously, parking the car in front of a small, welcoming restaurant.

We found seats and a curvy waitress came to us.

'Hi, are you ready for a blow- I mean, are you ready to order?' She asked us, staring at Edward longingly.

'Yeah, can I get ten steaks, two bowls of pasta and 10 onion soups?' He paused. 'Oh yeah, and a coke for me.'

'Edward, I can't eat all that!' I hissed at him.

'Who the fuck said it was for you? Ew! Like I would pay for you!' He snapped, looking shocked.  
The woman turned to me, the longing in her eyes disappearing as she stared at me.

'What do you want!' She spat at me.

'I'll just have a mushroom risotto.' I told her, and as she walked away: 'And you better put lemon juice in it, or otherwise I'm not paying!'

'So, why did you reject Mike?' He asked me.

I frowned. 'How did you know he asked me out? You were sitting ages away from where we were.'

'I can read minds.' He told me, smiling mysteriously. 'That fat lady over there is wondering how many carbs she would gain if she was to eat her pet cat. That weedy little man is thinking about the waitress's arse. That little kid is wondering what a blow job is.'

'That's amazing! And how come you're so big and strong?' I exclaimed.

'I'm sorry, Bella, but you're going to have to find this out by yourself.' He told me sadly, getting to his feet.

'How can I do that?' I asked him, spinning around in my chair to face him as he began to leave.

'Pfft, how the fuck should I know? Google it or something. See ya!' He said, strutting from the bustling restaurant.

'Wait! How do I get home!' I said, dashing from the restaurant. I grabbed his arm to stop him. His skin was ice cold and as hard as stone.

'Figure it out yourself. It's not my problem.' And with that he got in his homosexual car and drove off.

* * *

The next day after school, I got home and took some yoghurt up to my room.

I got out a CD Phil had given me, and covered it in yoghurt and then fed it to my pet slug that I had christened Jacob.

I then got on the computer.

I paused for a moment, thinking of what to search.

I reasoned that I would be safe to type in 'strong and hard'. I then clicked on images.

Oh, so that's what doggie-style looked like.

I was about to exit, when I saw a picture of a beautiful, pale skinned woman in the corner of the page. I clicked on it, and was taken to a blog about alien theories, also including an article entitled: 'Vampires: Cold and strong.'

Well, if it was on the internet it had to be true and worth reading.


	6. Mixed Signals

**I'm sorry for all the gay jokes in this, and I'm very sorry if anyone was offended. They just seemed to fit it.**

**Review it, please.**

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'_Edward!' _

I could tell my shrill, annoying voice hadn't reached him, and so I got out of my shit-tastic car and began across the wet grass, receiving a thorough soaking of my socks. Great! Stupid Forks! They didn't have wet grass in Phoenix!

He was on the other side of the park, swinging vigorously on the baby-swing. When I got near enough to hear his shouts of joy I finally made out his words.

'WHEE! WHEE! THIS IS BETTER THAN SEX… I assume!' he called out joyfully to no one in particular.

I frowned as I leveled with him. 'Um… Edward?'

'AHH! Bella! What are you doing here?' he demanded fretfully, falling exceptionally ungracefully off the swing.

'I just came to tell you…' I paused, struggling for the right words. 'I know what you are.'

He averted his eyes and was silent for quite some time, until he sighed heavily. 'I thought you might find out. But I couldn't tell you, it was for your own good.'

I put a comforting hand on his shoulder. 'It's okay, Edward; you needn't pretend to be something you're not. People will accept you no matter what.'

'But how can they accept me! I'm a monster! I'm a hazard to their safety! Especially yours, that's why we can't be friends!' He cried, turning away from me.

I frowned. 'Edward, I think that's a bit of an exaggeration. There are lots of people in your position, and I'm sure you're not the only one at school.'

'Believe me, Bella, me and my siblings are the only ones.'

'Hrmm, I doubt that. I've seen the way Joshua Hughes has been watching Zeke Morgans.' I said thoughtfully.

Edward's head shot up, frowning at me in confusion. 'Josh is a vampire?' he asked curiously.

'What! You're a vampire?! I just came to tell you I knew you were gay, but this is a lot more interesting!' I exclaimed, paling slightly.

He frowned. 'What makes you think I'm gay? I'm a vampire, just a plain vampire!'

'Yes. A gay vampire. I know that now.' I said quietly, patting his shoulder sympathetically.

He let out a low growl. 'Look, Bella, I'm not gay! I'm just a Vampire! And we can't be friends, so go away!' he snarled, causing me to pull my arm away.

'Why not? You're so pretty.' I told him, his jaw taking its usual effect on me.

'Yeah. And you smell good. Like, seriously, if I wouldn't kill you when you got too close I would tap that arse. I would _tear that arse apart.'_ His eyes shut in malicious longing as he spoke of my arse. 'But you see, each human has a different smell to each vampire, and you are to me what heroin is to Amy Whinehouse.' He said with a small sigh. 'Plus, your only redeeming feature is your smell, and if it weren't for that then every time I had to be in a hundred metre radius of you would be like ten knives in my stomach.'

'I love you too.'

* * *

I woke with a start in the middle of the night, after reliving yet another nightmare of that hideous vest that Edward saved me from.

As I opened my muddy eyes I was met by the pale, handsome face of Edward.

I gasped. 'Edward?' I asked numbly, my head reeling with unanswered questions.

He looked up at me, his eyes wide with fright, his hands rifling through my underwear draw. 'Bella!' He hurriedly dropped my lacy thong which he had been smelling.

He looked desperately around the room, and then – catching sight of his merciful savior - dashed to the window. He scratched at the latch in desperation. But it just wouldn't open. He seemed to be having quite a lot of trouble unlocking it.

'Does it need a key or something?' he asked hurriedly.

I thought for a second. 'Oh, yeah!' I began rummaging noisily through my desk, in search of the fateful key.

He sighed angrily, deciding I was taking far too long. 'Don't worry!'

He dashed out of my room via the door, knocking over multiple beauty products and photo frames from my desk on his unceremonious exit.

* * *

The next morning, Edward turned up bright and early to escort me to school for some reason.

'Edward!' I screeched as I stepped out my front door. 'WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE!?'

'I thought you might like a lift to school.' He gave a modest smile.

'FUCK YOU, EDWARD!' I screamed at him. How dare he do me a favor!

'Bella, I was just being polite.' He told me patiently, though he couldn't hide the crease in his brow.

'I LOVE YOU, EDWARD!' I screamed.

'I LOVE YOU TOO, BELLA!' He screamed.

I threw myself at him.

'I HATE YOU, BELLA!' he screamed, pushing me off. 'I'll eat you if you get too close! Now kiss me!'

We leant in for a much anticipated kiss. And finally our lips met. I pushed myself up against his firm body, but once again he pushed me off.

'GOD DAMN IT, BELLA!'

'You told me to kiss you!' I screamed at him.

'Yes, but I'll eat you!'

'How is that my fault?!' I yelled at him. 'If you're going to eat me don't invite me to kiss you!'

'You're amazing.' He said dreamily. 'I mean, I'm 109 or some shit and all that time I haven't met anyone like you.'

My heart fluttered. 'So I'm… _The One?'_

'No, you just smell good.' He told me with a small shrug. 'Now let's go to school.'

* * *

'Wanna know the reason I don't come to school on sunny days?' he asked with a devious smirk as we drove to Forks High.

I looked across at him. 'You're allergic to sunscreen?'

He frowned at me. 'No. It's because vampires sparkle in the sun.'

There was a long pause.

'You really are gay.'

He glared at me. 'And Alice can see the future.'

'…So?'

'I just thought you might like to know.' He said. 'Also, Emmett is super strong and Carlisle and Esme are overly nice…or something. This whole plot is torturously farfetched; even I can't keep track of it!'

'That's great, Edward.' I said. 'I mean, I don't really give a shit, but good for you.'

'I don't sleep or breath.'

'Nice.'

'And on sunny days me and my family go hiking to kill bears and feast on their innards so we don't eat the school children.'

I gripped the sides of my seat in fear. 'Gosh, Edward, you sure know what a girl wants to hear.

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**Review please. x**


	7. Meeting the Cullens

**Here it is – the next chapter! Thank you for all of those who have been reviewing! **

**I can't really remember what happens next, but I do remember that in the book there's about three pages of them making googly eyes at each other, Bella blushing, Edward chuckling, and Bella and Edward both yelling about how shit their life is a bit more, and then they go to a mountain. So let's see that!**

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'Edward, you're so pretty.' I sighed, blushing.

'Yeah, I am pretty great. But I'm so scarred and dangerous, so you better not come near me.' He chuckled.

I blushed. OKGNDFYGYG he's so amazing! 'Edward, kiss me!'

His ridiculously bushy eyebrows creased in an irresistible frown. I blushed.

'Bella,' he began, 'I might eat you. Now let's kiss!'

So we kissed.

Then I blushed a bit, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled.

And this went on for some time.

Suddenly, we stopped blushing and chuckling. 'Can I see you sparkle?'

He titled his head for a moment's consideration. 'Alright.'

So then we went to a mountain.

My heavy, anticipating breaths rung in the serene silence of the mountain, and I watched from the shade as his graceful Converse All-Star collided with the tiny white flowers of the clearing.

Slowly, the rest of his marvelous body moved into the sunlight, and he started to shimmer mildly.

'OMG YOU'RE AMAZING!' I orgasmed.

'Yes, now let's lie in the meadow in painful-looking positions while you gaze into my breath-taking, golden pools and I look at your muddy eyes.'

And so we did.

'Let's kiss.' I told him.

'NO, BELLA! I'LL EAT YOU! I'll kill you! I'm too pretty, too buff, and too athletic! Plus, my voice is nice and I smell good. You can't resist me!'

And it was true, but he kissed me anyway.

'Bella, I can't live without you! You're so amazing and you smell so good! If you died, despite the fact that you're a terrible person and I've known you for about two weeks, I would die without you!' He breathed painfully – possibly because he was lying on top of a pinecone.

Then I blushed a bit, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled, then I blushed, then he chuckled.

Then he gave a crooked smile, then chuckled, and then I blushed some more.

'Alright, enough of this gay banter.' He said, jumping up. 'Let's meet my family.'

I gasped, my cheeks flushing scarlet. 'But Edward! They might not like me!'

'Why on earth wouldn't they like you- Oh right, your personality…' He stroked his amazing jaw, and I blushed. 'Well, we'll work it out when we get there.'

The drive was slow and torturous, but I occupied myself with Edward's jaw. He soon realized that I was staring at him. I blushed.

We began to drive through forests of lush green ferns and towering pines, until we came to this massive house, scattered with large glass windows, giving passers-by a clear view of the pristine conditions and fancy furniture inside.

When we entered I ran into this really ugly Grand Piano, which I bumped into and broke my neck. I blushed. I'm so ridiculously clumsy!

Oh, I just realized I didn't break my neck; instead I stubbed my toe.

Edward came to my side. 'BELLA!' He cried, grieving fury in his eyes. 'YOU'RE DYING! THIS IS ALL MY FAULT! QUICK, I MUST GO TO ITALY TO GET MYSELF KILLED AND-'

'Don't worry about him,' chirped a beautiful woman, perhaps in her mid twenties. She had just come through a polished arch-way behind Edward. Her caramel-coloured hair bounced on her shoulders as she walked gracefully towards us, her kind, inviting golden eyes crinkling in a warm smile. 'He just needs a Mother's touch.'

The young woman suddenly grabbed a still screaming Edward and hugged his head to her breast, stroking his copper-coloured hair gently. 'Hush, Eddie-poo, hush my precious gem-stone. Mummy's here.' She looked up at me. 'I'm Esme by the way, Edward's adoptive mother. We're so happy to have to here- SO, SO HAPPY! Since Edward's met you he doesn't cry in the shower anymore.'

As Esme stroked his hair, Edward's screaming began to subside into soft whimpering, until he was back to his silent, collected, graceful self.

'Would you like to hear a song I wrote you, Bella?' Said Edward, as if nothing out of the ordinary has happened.

'Uhh… sure.'

Edward jumped to the Grand Piano. He cracked his manicured fingers and poised them inches from the pitch black and stark white keys. Then he began to play.

He cleared his throat. 'I LOVE IT WHEN YOU TEASE ME! YOU MAKE IT SEEM SO EASY! YOU MAKE MY PEE-PEE HARD, YOU MAKE MY PEE-PEE HARD!' He screamed at me, hitting the piano keys viciously. 'DAMN RIGHT HO, YOU'RE SO SLEASY! YOU GIVE ME THE HEEBIE-JEEBIES! YOU MAKE MY PEE-PEE HARD, YOU MAKE MY PEE-PEE HARD-!'

Esme gave a loud sniffle, cutting off Edward. She wiped a tear from her eye. 'That's beautiful, Edward. Did you write it all by yourself?'

Edward smiled his crooked smile. 'More or less, yes.'

Suddenly, the door burst open. In the door way stood Edward's buff, hairy brother, whom I had been told was called Emmet. 'WHAT IS IT!? WHO'S DYING?!!' He screamed, looking around the room in panic.

'It's alright, dear, your brother was just playing us Bella's song.' Said Esme soothingly.

'Oh thank god, I thought a wounded cat was getting raped.' Sighed Emmet in relief. He finally caught sight of me, and held out his hand. 'Hey, I'm Emmet.' As I shook hands with him, his eyes travelled up and down my body, lingering on my curvy bits. Finally, he nodded in satisfaction.

We all turned to the door as the petite, dark haired vampire skipped joyfully into the room.

'Alice, this is Bella.' Said Esme with a smile.

''WOW! ' Gasped Alice, giving a toothy grin. She threw herself at me. YOU'RE LOVELY!' she said, planting wet smooches on my cheeks. 'Can't talk now, I need to get more of the magic grass from those lovely pixies out in the garden.' She said breathlessly, and skipped back out of the room.

But as she was leaving, she crashed into a lanky blonde boy with a pained expression on his handsome face. 'Jasper!' she cried joyfully. 'You want to do it now? I don't mind. But it will have to be quick.' She sighed. 'I took a shit load of pills.'

Jasper looked wearily at Esme, and opened his mouth to explain, but Alice cut him off.

'WHERE'S THE KITCHEN! I WANT TO SEE THE KITCHEN!' And she pulled Jasper from the room.

Finally, Carlisle and the beautiful Rosalie entered.

'Bella,' said Carlisle kindly, 'A pleasure to see you.'

I blushed.

'It's a lovely day,' he said conversationally, looking out the wide window.

'It is not!' screamed Rosalie, and she stormed from the room.

'Don't mind her,' said Esme. 'She's just upset because she broke the bowl we had imported from Sweden.'

'Come on Bella, let's go upstairs…' said Edward, pointedly avoiding the eyes of everyone in the room, '…. to… touch…' stumbled Edward, '…each other….inappropriately.'

'Well okay kids, have fun- WAIT!' Began Esme, but me and Edward had already dashed upstairs.

His room was lined with an extraordinary cluster of CD-filled bookshelves. There was no bed, but in the centre was a large, white, inviting inflatable woman.

He looked at me sheepishly. 'The nights are long… and- and it's really hard not to… _do things_ while I can hear _their _thoughts.' He nodded towards the door, meaning his family. 'All of them! At it all night!'

But this didn't matter to me. I had just decided we were made for each other. Because, as I was running my fingers over the millions on CD spines, I had come across Lindsay Lohan's single and I plopped it into the CD player.

'_I waaaiiit fooor thee postmaaahn… to bring me a letter. And I waaaait for the goooooood Lord…. to make it feel betterrrr…'_

He looked up at me. 'You like this song?'

I nodded.

He threw himself at me, covering me in kisses, and we landed on top of the inflatable-woman, but Emmet ripped the door open. 'EDWARD! STOP KILLING BELLA- Oh you're just listening to Lindsay…'

'Edward, if you're eating Bella, save me some!' chirped Alice.

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**Sex Toyz – Brokencyde. So much better than Bella's Lullaby! **

**And, of course, most of Alice's lines are from Skins.**

**Poor Lindsay… Why didn't she just stick to acting?**

**REVIEW PLEASE! Do not subscribe if you don't review – there will be no updates. X**


	8. Baseball, Baseball

**ATTENTION ALL! I have received my first flame concerning Twihards! I am very, very, **_**very**_** exciting!**

**Also, I have reached over twenty reviews! I know it's not that much of a big deal, but for me it's a major milestone. So a big thanks to everyone who has reviewed; **_**Nadia26, emilytheunique, fyren galen, katetreloar, Too awesome for a pen name, Joja B, Lone.17, **_**and**_** 'broken-nonloved-burned-alone**_**. **

**And a big thanks to **_**XenaGrl321**_** for all her support!**

**The title of this chapter is a mild reference to Hot Chick.**

**Review please! **

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_Baseball, Baseball_

I woke to discover Edward and inch from my face. How romantic!

'Oh, Edward!' I fretted ridiculously. 'You can't see me like this! You're so beautiful, and I look so horrible in the mornings!'

'Oh, don't worry, Bella. You always look horrible, but because I'm a **vampire**I have an unnatural attraction to you! Now go get ready, my beautiful swan!'

OMGMDGG He knows what my name means; _Beautiful Swan_! How non-Mary Sue!

'Excuse me, I have to do some humanly things.' Coz everyone knows vampires don't get changed or have showers. I ran to the bathroom to get ready.

After that we got into his uberly tacky car and drove to our uberly shitty school. I blushed.

'Edward, how did you become a vampire?' I asked as we drove across the bleak road.

'Carlisle turned me into a vampire after there was a horrible accident involving STDs and such.' Said Edward somberly. 'Nothing for you to worry about, my dove. My sweetheart. My life. My all. My girl that I have known for about a month.'

'Edward!' I gasped, turning sharply to stare at him. 'An STD? Are you getting treated? I mean…' I blushed. 'What if we get… serious?'

Edward frowned at me. 'Listen, Bella, I'm a Mormon's idea of the prefect boyfriend, meaning I'm going to be the first seventeen year old boy in the history of forever to deny sex, and plus I don't believe in premarital sex. And on top of that, my bodily fluids are frozen. Sex with me will be about as motivating as those Keep-Your-Planet-Clean ads featuring Ronald McDonald.'

I blushed. He was so dreamy.

'Edward,' I began again, 'Will you turn me into a vampire?'

Suddenly, he swerved to the side of the road, panting heavily. 'DAMN IT, BELLA!' He said in a pained, strangled growl. 'WHY WOULD YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT? I go on and on and on about how shit my life would be without you, and yet even though you're going to die in the next century and I'll kill myself as soon as you die, the idea of you and I being able to live together for eternity is ludicrous!'

'But I love you! And if you let me get old I'll become ugly, and we all know that's the most horrible fate imaginable, and why all the good-guys in this story are portrayed as being gorgeous!'

Edward slammed his fist on the steering wheel. 'This is such a horrible, _horrible_ idea! You'd be beautiful, have inhumanly keen senses, be amazingly rich because you don't have to spend money on basic human needs and you'd be able to live with the love of your life forever! I can't let you live like that!'

I sighed. I knew he was just protecting me, but I would turn him around eventually, because I'm cool like that. But I suck at everything else. Especially Sport. WAHHH! I'M NOT WORTHY OF HIM!

'I love you.' He said with a chuckle.

I blushed.

'Everyone will stare when we get out the car.' He said softly.

'OH NOOOOOOO! THIS IS AWFUL! MY REPUTATION! ARGH!' I screamed. My life was so awful.

Sure enough, when we get out of the car, everyone was staring. Jessica rushed over.

'OHMYGAWWWWWWWWWWWWD ~' she squealed. 'WE NEED TO TALK! MEET ME AT CLASS!'

Edward gave me a crooked grin as Jessica hurried away, and I blushed. 'I'm going to read her mind.'

'Why?'

'So I know every insignificant detail about you, or course! Who cares if it's an invasion of personal information! I want to know EVERYTHING you tell her, 'cause that's JUST how much I love you!' He stroked my hair. 'I will see you in two periods. Stay away from objects without curved corners, my sweet!'

I blushed, watching his retreating back. He was so dreamy. I blushed.

I hurried up to class, and bumped into someone's shoulder in the crowded corridor. I blushed. I was so clumsy!

I finally got to class, which was amazing because I'm so clumsy. I spied Jessica and dropped into the seat beside her.

'So, Omgomgomgomogmgogmgoomsmd, how did some retard who was incredibly unpopular at your old school suddenly become everyone's dream guy's dream girl?' Asked Jessica in a rushed whisper.

'I dunno. I have no idea why, because I suck at my life. It's so un-cliché and _so_ original!'

'Do you _lurrrrrrve _him?' she giggled.

'WHAT? NO! WHO TOLD YOU THAT! I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HIM AND MY LIFE REVOLVES AROUND HIM, BUT I DON'T LOVE HIM!' I insisted.

The period finished and then, after sport, having successfully cracked someone who totally deserved it's skull, I met up with Edward. I blushed. 'What did you hear?'

'That you love me.' He chuckled. 'Plus, she uses super jumbo tampons. I don't think it's actually that creepy that I know that, I mean, I was _just_ trying to find out every little detail about you!'

'I don't think it's creepy either. You're so un-creepy! I love you!' I said with a blush.

'Come now, Bella, my sweet,' he breathed, wrapping his arms around me and holding me close, 'I shall drive you home, and tonight let's go play baseball with my fucked up family.'

I blushed. 'No! NO OH MY GOD NOOOO ARGHBH&TCTBHD! I'm too impossibly clumsy!'

He chuckled. 'You are too amazingly amazing to have any possible fault. Don't worry.'

* * *

Charlie got home a few hours after school, hauling the usual bag of fish.

'Fish, fish, fish. Gotta love fish. Fish fish fish.' He chimed. 'I'm hardly even a cop, seeing as I spend every waking moment getting fish. Fish, fish, fish!'

I fried up the fish, coz Charlie can't cook. What an idiot!

As we sat down to eat, I looked nervously up t him, blushing. 'Charlie?'

'Yes, fish? I mean – Genevieve. I mean –'

'Can I go play baseball with the Cullens?'

Charlie looked up. 'I don't know, I don't think that family eats a lot of fish.'

'Yeah, but me and Edward-'

'EDWARD!' Snarled Charlie. 'STAY AWAY FROM THAT BOY! HE HATES FISH! He also told me the police system was corrupt.' He wiped away a stray tear.

'No, no, that's Emmettt.' I knew Charlie's description didn't match up with Edward; my chiseled jawed god worries way too much about his own miserable life to find the time to criticize the American police force.

'Oh… which one's Edward?'

'The one with the chiseled jaw.' Charlie frowned at me as I started to drool over the thought of Edward's jaw.

'Uh… alright, as long as he eats fish.' Charlie grumbled.

'Oh don't worry, Charlie,' I said, a mischievous look in my eyes. 'Edward _sure_ loves his uncooked, feral animals instead of normal food.' I gave a laugh. Charlie had been fooled by my wicked innuendo. _Or should I say, in-your-endo! Ahahahah!_

I blushed as I realized I had said that last part aloud.

Charlie stared at me, his eyebrow cocked in confusion. I guess he still didn't understand my genius riddle. 'Right…' he said slowly. 'Hey, um, Bella, the Cullens aren't vampires, are they?'

'No!' How could he possibly have interpreted my innuendo!

'Right… Well sure, you can play baseball as long as Edward uses fish- I mean! Protection!' He paused, shifting his eyes. 'That's what Dad's worry about, right? Their daughter's having unprotected fish?'

The door bell rung and I ran to get it. 'Edward!' I whispered breathlessly upon wrenching open the door. It was a good thing I whispered. It doesn't take much breath to whisper, after all. But I did say I did it breath_lessly_; that implies I have no breath at all, not even to whisper… ARGH SO CONFUSED! This was the effect Edward's jaw had on me!

I fell into his arms, and he held me closely. 'What happened, my sparkling sugar snowflake?'

'You make me faint.' I breathed.

'Oh yeah, sorry. I thought I got all the toxic gas out of my hair, but what are ya gonna do?' he shrugged, smiling his crooked smile. I blushed.

We stared into each other's eyes, getting lost in each other magnificent perfection.

'Hi, Edward, nice to meet you,' Said Charlie conversationally, appearing behind us.

Edward's arm secured its hold on my waist, sliding me further up his chest.

'Bella tells me you're taking her to play baseball. That will be fun.' Charlie smiled broadly at us.

Edward's lips scathed my cheek, sending shivers through my body. I shuddered against him, my head coming to rest on his secure chest.

'Is your Dad meeting you up there? How's he going these days? Nice man, your dad.' Charlie said fondly.

Edward laced my hair through his fingers, burying his face in the chocolate strands.

'Well, I hope you kids have fun. Call me if you need anything, Bells.'

Edward untwined his delicate fingers from my hair, and brushed them across my face. I shut my eyes under the feeling.

'Oh, fuck you guys.' Said Charlie indignantly, and he turned back to his fish.

I blushed and he chuckled and I blushed and he chuckled and I blushed and he chuckled and I blushed and he chuckled and I blushed and he chuckled and I blushed and he chuckled and I blushed and he chuckled and I blushed and he chuckled and I blushed and he chuckled and I blushed and he chuckled and I blushed and he chuckled and I blushed and he chuckled and I blushed and he chuckled and I blushed and he chuckled and I blushed and he chuckled and I blushed and he chuckled and I blushed and he chuckled and I blushed and he chuckled and I blushed and he chuckled and I blushed and he chuckled and I blushed and he chuckled and I blushed and he chuckled and I blushed and he chuckled and I blushed and he chuckled and after we did this for a few hours, we went out to his car.

Because he's so disgustingly gentlemanly and I'm so pathetically precious, he opened and the door for me, and then, to my horror, I saw-

'OMGMFMGGHRBHEBEHEHEE EDWARD, WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE A SEAT BELT IN YOUR CAR?!' I exclaimed, horrified.

He chuckled. 'Yes, we're going over dangerous territory for the driving part; there's a quicker route to where we go through a school ground, but some of those fat kids can be pretty bumpy.'

'OGMNDUHVUH*(DFH*EH Edward! You said _for the driving part_! There's a non-driving part?! I can't stand physical exertion!'

'Don't worry, I'll carry you. That's just how dignified women are in this story.' He chuckled.

I blushed.

I climbed into the car and fumbled with the seat buckle.

'I'll do it for you, my cherry-blossom, because your fingers are much too clumsy to do up a seat belt.' He told me soothingly. In an instant he had my belt secure; I was dazed by the gentle subtlety of his fingers. I doubted anyone could fit that bit of metal into the clip so majestically.

The ride over the fat kids was indeed bumpy, but once through the school yard we made it to the edge of the forest. We got out, and I climbed up on his back. This was the _essence_ of love.

Suddenly, he broke into a run, and in an instant we were at the top of the mountain. The rest of the Cullens stood in all their glory, poised under the clouds of unshed rain. The usual bleak weather of Forks seemed all the more intensified today; the clouds lower, thicker and darker.

As me and Edward approached the others, Alice rushed to me. 'Oh! Nice top… wow. No. But – OMG GUCCI!' she exclaimed, noting this really ugly bracelet my Grandma got me. She began to salivate over my wrist, and while she did this, I looked around at the rest of the family.

Jasper was huddled in behind Emmett, eating a raccoon with a pained look on his gorgeous face; Jasper, not the raccoon. Rosalie stared at me with her nose in the air; with her sleek blonde hair and stuck-up manner she resembled Narcissa Malfoy strongly – now there's a good book-

Oh right, back to this ridiculous story. Emmett was attempting to slip off Rosalie's skirt, but it just wouldn't budge. Esme was cleaning Edward's face with her finger, and Carlisle was smiling round at us.

'Good day for baseball,' he observed pleasantly, nodding at the dark clouds. How odd! Baseball on a rainy day! Vampires were so bizarre!

He looked around at his wife and children. 'Edward, Emmett and Alice, you can field. Rosalie, Emmettt and I will bat. And Esme, you stand over there with Bella so she doesn't realize we don't want her here.'

Alice looked up abruptly from my wrist. 'It's time.'

Suddenly, it started to rain.

'Let's go,' she announced, grabbing Emmett's hand, and they both ran out over the huge clearing, Edward not far behind them. Alice ran like a gazelle, because she was so amazingly graceful and stuff and everybody recognizes gazelles as being the most graceful animal ever; yes, she was like a gazelle, just like Edward was like a raincoat model. OMG! I'm so good at metaphors.

The players took their places, and Esme reluctantly came to stand beside me out of the way. She smiled pleasantly at me.

The game began - they were all so amazing! Like a whole HERD of gazelle!

When Rosalie hit the ball, it went shooting up into the heavy clouds.

'I see why you need the clouds now,' I said slyly to Esme, winking smoothly. For some reason she looked at me like I was retarded.

Suddenly, Alice stopped being a gazelle and became a sloth; a graceful sloth though. She stood stone-still in the centre of the field, staring blankly ahead.

The family turned to her, obviously sensing something was up. Jasper ran to her. 'What do you see?'

'Vampires.' She whispered. 'Coming this way.' She let out a long breath. 'Horrible book brainwashes millions.' She drew in a rugged breath. 'Robert Pattison abandons his cuteness as Cedric Diggory to fake a shitty American accent and have hair like Jimmy Neutron.' She began to shake. 'Taylor Lautner features in a rip off of Love Actually.' She drew in one last rattling breath. 'The girl who plays Rosalie looks horrible blonde…'

Her sights were silenced as we turned to the other side of the clearing, where three figures were emerging from the fog.

* * *

**Oooooh a cliff-hanger! I can't remember if this bit actually is broken into two chapters, but I cbf writing the rest. **

**Those Ronald McDonald ads were actually for clean-up Australia day, so as most of my readers are American they won't know what I meant in that bit. But believe me; they were horrible.**

**Review please, and I may just review you back! Thanks for reading xx**


	9. Love is Sacrifice

**Well, **_**What If, If Only**_** is on hold as I have experienced massive writers-block for that particular fic. So this gets the update instead.**

**So yes; reviews please!**

**Oh and btw; thank you for the thirty reviews! I went up ten with just one chapter! You guys are amazing!**

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_Love Is Sacrifice_

My breathing became rugged as they emerged from the clearing.

Dear god – they weren't like gazelles at all; like cats! God damn cats!

The first man, who was blonde and had a really wanky pony-tail, fell back to let a tall, dark man with dread-locks take the lead. I was about to call out one of my amazingly articulated remarks, suggesting they both get haircuts, when the third intruder caught my eye.

This one was a _woman_. Good lord! And not only a woman, but she was a _ranga_. She was just so ranga! It was like – like her hair was _red_ or something!

They had really rugged clothes on – how absurd! But not like the Cullens. They had nice clothes on. Like they belonged to some elite social-club of Manhattan.

Carlisle stepped forward, flanked by Jasper and Emmett. Yes, what a man he is! Using his sons as protection!

'I'm Laurent,' said the pack's leader, smiling easily at Carlisle. His voice held a faint trace of a French accent. 'These are Victoria and James.'

'I'm Carlisle,' said Esme.

Kidding! Carlisle said that bit! Tricked you all, didn't I? OMG, that was almost as great as my in-your-endo!

'And this is my family,' Carlisle continued, 'Esme, Rosalie and Emmett, Alice and Jasper, and Edward and Bella. I say them in pairs because they have sex together. Not weird at all, huh?'

I was shocked when he said my name! How absurd! How ludicrous! How vampire-ish! He's so clever to realize that it might just be a tad odd if I was the only one who got a mention! He's such a genius! Oh my god!

'Uh…' Laurent seemed a little shocked by the fact that all the siblings had romantic relations. How rude of him! I mean, he's _French_! He should be used to that type of shit!

'Well, anyway… can we play baseball with you guys?' he continued awkwardly.

How intriguing; playing baseball must be a tradition for Vampires. How very tasteful!

'Oh – uh – yeah, about that. Hahahaha! Turns out, we suck. Time to go! Let's go, kids!' Boomed Carlisle. He grabbed Emmett and Jasper and pulled them under the cover of the trees, motioning and me for the other members of the family to follow.

'Oh my god!' screamed Laurent, stamping his foot. 'That's so rude! Fuck you guys! We'll just go eat some people, and then everyone will be like "Oh my god, Carlisle's eating people" and then you'll have to leave 'cause they'll blame you but, it will be actually me and-'

'Shut up!' cried the second man suddenly, and all eyes flickered to him. 'Are you guys retards or something! Don't you realize she smells good!' He pointed a long, unblemished finger at me, and Edward jumped between us. How lovely of him!

'RUN, EDWARD, RUN!' Cried Carlisle, as he, Alice and Emmett began to advance on the three new-comers.

Edward grabbed me, and in an instant we were speeding down the mountain.

He shoved me into the car, and once again did up my seat belt majestically. Even though I would probably die before the sun set, I didn't miss my chance to marvel at how gorgeous his jaw was. And his fingers. And his eyes. And his arms. And his chest. And his hair. And his collar. And his toe-nail.

He jumped into car and soon we were thundering through the school yards, fat kids spilling over the wind-screen as we ploughed through the playground.

'So now he wants to kill me?' I exclaimed.

'Yes! He's a sexually repressed, and can't stand the fact that I like you! Because I protected you, he wants you now! He'll never stop! It's all my fault! What a completely believable plot twist!' Edward's face was contorted with anguish, but it was okay because he still looked hot.

'Oh, Edward, even though I'm going to die because of a stupid mistake my teenage, two-month boyfriend made I'll never be angry! I love you!' My eyes filled with tears, and I stroked his jaw.

We got to his house quickly. It was quick because he was driving so recklessly, but that's okay because he'd never, ever loose control of the car because he's just too amazing.

We ran inside, and I stopped dead when I crashed into Laurent.

I screamed. 'EDWARD! SQUISH HIM!'

Carlisle appeared behind him, chuckling. 'Don't worry, he's here to help. Even though he thinks humans are worthless, he's been in a pack with the guy's whose trying to kill you for eons and we only just met him, we can totally trust him to help us and give us genuine advice on how to avoid James.' **(A/N; hehe I got on facebook, got distracted and when I looked back I forgot what I was writing and saw "genuine advice on how to avoid James" and thought I was writing about Lily Evans, and I was happy. And then I realized... Anyway, back on topic -)**

Laurent stared at Carlisle, frowning. 'Right… Uh, well, you're a retard, but anyway. James is super fast, super strong and looks pretty hot. So basically you're fucked. Tata, now!' and with that he was gone.

'QUICK!' Screamed Emmett. 'MUM! GET BELLA IN YOUR CLOTHES!'

'Oh good!' squealed Alice excitedly. 'Another option for the Author to make an example of the contrast between Bella and the Cullen girls! Just wait for it…'

Esme pulled me upstairs. 'Quick!' she said in a hurried whisper. 'Put my pants on! Your life depends on it!'

'Oh my god, they're not going to fit me! What the hell! I'm too fat and hideous!' I told her truthfully.

'WHAT DID I TELL YOU!' Cried Alice triumphantly from down the stairs.

'OKAY! LET'S GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!' screamed Emmett as we returned to the huddle of beautiful vampires at the bottom of the stairs.

'Let's go to Phoenix! I'm a genius! They won't look for me there!' I said, jumping up and down with glee.

'I agree, 'cause you're sexy!' said Edward.

'Yes,' said Emmett with a smile. 'Especially in my mother's clothes.'

'Uh, yeah. Gross.' Said Carlisle, his face scrunched up with disgust. 'Alright, Esme and Rose; you take the truck and lead them away; then burn it.'

'Why?' asked Esme.

'Oh you know, let's inconvenience Bella. It's all good.' Explained Emmett, and Carlisle nodded severely.

'And then,' Carlisle continued, 'Edward will take Bella to Pheonix, and Alice and Jasper and I will kill James, and then you can come home.'

I orgasmed. Time alone with Edward! How amazing! He could watch me sleep without even having to leave his home! Of course, he wouldn't mind leaving his home to watch me sleep because he loves me so much. Not to mention, he's so strong, so it would take, like, ZERO physical excursion! Plus, his jaw is nice.

'No! That of _course_ won't work! Idiots! That's just ludicrous! What the hell! Oh my god!' cried Carlisle. 'Edward, you stay here, because this just **won't work!**Alice and Jasper must go with her!'

The others nodded.

'Of course,' whispered Esme sadly, 'there's no other way for some reason.'

'Fuck yes! Now I don't have to see Charlie!' I cried excitedly. 'He's so mean! You know what he did on Tuesday? HE TOLD ME TO PLEASE STAACK THE DISHWASHER ! What the fuck is with that guy!'

'Shit!' cried Carlisle. 'I forgot about your dad!'

'I know!' cried Esme. 'Emmett, darling-poo, smash Eddie's girlfriend's face for Mummy, please? We need to make her Daddy think she's dead.'

'Sure thing, Mum!' cried Emmett helpfully.

As he pulled back his fist to deliver the blow, Alice mumbled, 'Wait, this may not work… they'll want her body. To bury it and shit.' She rolled her eyes.

'Hey, how about I tell him I hate him?' OMGHGHGHHDFR I'm so smart!

'Uhhh… alright,' said Edward slowly. 'What are you going to say?'

I blinked slowly. 'Uhhh… Say that I hate him?'

* * *

I ran into the house, Edward not far behind me, his footsteps quiet and peaceful, as opposed to by heavy thumps. HE'S SO GAZELLE-LIKE! HOLY FUCK!

'Hey, Genna,' cried Charlie happily as I stormed through the door. 'Hey – what's wrong with you?' His voice became concerned instantly, noticing my face contorted with rage.

'FUCK YOU!' and I ran from the house.

Ahhh, that was _so_ well executed.

* * *

The car-ride was _so_ fucking BORING. Alice and Jasper are _no_ fun! They wouldn't play eye-spy with me! Something about having to look out to make sure I don't get killed; what arseholes!

I didn't even have Edward's jaw to stare at! My life is so horrible! And not because me and my family's in danger or because my boyfriend and his own family are risking their lives to keep me safe or because I walked out on my Dad, making him think I hate him.

To make matters worse, when we arrived at the hotel room it was small – EWWWWWWWWW! I had to sleep on a bed where the sheets weren't hand crafted out a silk! EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW! FUCK MY LIFE!

And – _and_ – our dinner _wasn't_ made with Billy Black's famous fish oil! ARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHH!

After a really horrible night spent on a material other than silk, Jasper roused me. 'Alice _sees_ something!' he breathed.

We ran into the lounge where Alice was sitting rigidly on the couch. Grrrrrrr, she was taking up all the space!

She stared into nothingness, her lips moving numbly.

'What do you see?' asked Jasper, in that shit-acting way of his.

He slid a piece of paper and a pen into Alice's grip and she began to scribble. A picture formed before us; a room, with a shit load of mirrors.

'Oh my gooooooooood, my old ballet studio! I sucked at ballet because I'm _sooooooooooo_ ridiculously clumsy! One time when I was walking there and-' My ranting was silenced by their horrified expressions. Oh my god, I ramble sometimes! I'm such an idiot! I should just die! Loooooool.

'We better get to an airport and hide you in the Sanitary bins! Quickly!' exclaimed Alice.

Gosh, she's so smart!

Just then, my phone rang. Oh my goddddddddddd, I'm so fucking popular! Go me!

I ran into my room. It was painted white and had a framed picture of daisies on the wall. Ew! How beaneath me!

'Heyy, babeeeee,' I chirped into the phone, because I'm hip.

'Watcha gonna do to me, baby?'

I nearly dropped the phone at the sound of _James'_ voice, _**JAMES!**_ My life is so interesting.

'How'd you get my number?' I whispered.

I sensed him shrug. 'Found it carved into the seat at the bus stop, offering sex. I got excited, and now I realize it's just you… I'M GOING TO HAVE TO KILL YOUR MUM FOR THIS, BELLA SWAN! I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA GET LAID!'

'N- Wait, that might work.' Without Mum, I would be able to use as much as her perfume as I want. Go me! My life's perfect!

'Well, then, how would you feel if I told you I…' he hesitated to add effect.

AND IT WORKED! He should be a movie director! He's so much better than Catherine Hardwicke or Chris Weitz! Yeah, I went there! Well done, Chris, using the illusion of me sitting in a chair for three month to represent the elapse of time! Well played! And instead of actual _narration_ I just emailed Alice 37445757575 times. You'd think even _I _would get the message. It's almost as bad as that book, and that's saying something!

'I HAVE YOUR BOYFRIEND'S DOLLY!'

I gasped. Ignoring the fact that it raised a lot of questions about Edward, I began to yell, because I'm just _that_ caring. 'NOOOOOO, YOU EVIL FIEND! GIVE HIM BACK HIS DOLLY!'

'I will _if_... you swing for a night.'

'WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTT!' I screeched.

'Oh, come on!' he whined. 'Victoria's not putting out, and you and Edward looked so happy! You must be great in bed!'

'Ohhh, you evil beast,' I muttered, throwing a hand to my forehead because I'm so sexy. 'You leave me no choice... I'm going to have to have wild, fantastic sex with a really hot vampire!'

'Yes,' he laughed maliciously. 'So, meet me six. Don't be late! And you can get your mother back.'

'My what?'

'Your mother.'

'Huh?'

'_Your mother._'

'Pardon?'

'YOUR MOTHER, YOU FAT BITCH!'

'Ohhhhh,' I laughed. 'Yeah,' I raised my voice to make it easier for him to understand. 'DOWN FOURTH, AND TURN LEFT WHEN YOU GET TO THIRD-'

'Oh, for fuck's sake,' snapped James. 'Come here tomorrow, and you can have your boyfriend's fucking doll back.'

'Oh, that's cool.' And I meant it, coz I'm cool like that!

'Yeah, and I kind of kidnapped your Mum, so you can just have her back too-'

'Oh nah,' I said kindly. 'It's fine, you can have her. I've got loads at home.'

'But she's your Mum! What am I going to do with her?' he said exasperatedly.

'I dunno... she'd make a nice hate stand?' I offered.

'Look, this is ridiculous. Just take your Mum or I won't sleep with you.'

I gasped, outraged. 'YOU MONSTER! GIVE ME BACK MY MUM! AND HAVE YOUR WAY WITH ME LIKE THE DIRTY LITTLE BOY YOU ARE!'

* * *

'This is a disaster!' screeched Alice. 'Her head won't fit through the lid!'

'Try using a hammer!' suggested Jasper anxiously.

'It's totally fine, guys, really,' I said so sneakily and expertly. 'I can get my own head inside the airport's sanitary bin. You guys just get home, it's totally fine!'

'Well, it would be good not looking at your face anymore. Ciao!' Cried Jasper. He put his arm around Alice and they began to walk back through the bathroom door. 'See what I did there, sweetie?' I heard Jasper say. 'I used Italian!'

'Don't be ridiculous, Jasper,' sighed Alice. 'The world doesn't extend beyond our petty lives, except to the other Vampire coves.'

'You're totally right! I'm so sorry, baby... '

Their voices trailed off, and I skilfully got out of the period bin, with only breaking _three_ people's necks! Go me!

When I got to the old dance studio, which had lots of mirrors for some reason (another thing the idiot directors of this ridiculous movie added), I could hear my mother's voice ringing out around the eerily silent, dust-ridden building.

'_Bella, Bella – where are you? Bella-_'

I gasped. It was my Mother, scared a traumatized. And with her, no doubt, were Edward's doll and the contents of James' pants. Yippee!

I ran into the next room, to find an old TV, which was also there for some reason.

On the screen was my Mother's anguished face, younger than she is now. '_Bella, Bella, come back! Get away from the lion's cage – Oh, Phil, look at her face...'_

'_Don't worry, honey, you can't tell the difference.'_

'_Yeah, I guess so-_' The TV shut off quickly, and a turned to see James standing at the wall, twirling the TV cord around his finger seductively. He _so _wanted me.

'Why, hello, Bella. I see I tricked you. I _don't_ really have your Mother.'

'My what?' Pfft, vampires. They're so strange and mysterious! I had _no_ idea what he was talking about.

'I mean, I _don't_ have your boyfriend's dolly. I just hid it in his makeup kit! MWAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!'

I gasped. 'You monster! Tricking me into coming here like that! Oh well, I guess you're going to have sex with my now, right?'

Suddenly, something fell through the window right on top of James.

There was a split-second of drastic stillness, and then a frantic thrashing broke out in the huddle of flailing limbs.

'WHERE'S – MY – BEAUITFUL – LOVE?' Screeched Edward, bringing a fist down into James' face with each word.

'I'm here, Edward, I'm fine!' I ran to his side, trying to tug him off James. Hopefully if I stop him getting beaten up he'll still sleep with me! Go me! I'm so fucking clever!

'Oh, hey, Bella, I wasn't expecting to see you here,' said Edward distractedly. He turned back to James. 'NOW WHERE'S DAPHNE!'

'It's alright, Edward!' I spun around, to see Alice, Emmett, Jasper and Carlisle hurrying towards. 'He hid her near your lipstick!'

'Oh, okay, you're free to go then,' said Edward, jumping of James and smiling pleasantly.

'Well, that was painfully pointless,' James observed, getting to his feet and dusting himself off.

I walked over to James, swaying my hips. I was so sexy! 'Well, you must be sad that you couldn't attack me and steal my flower.'

'Oh – uh, yeah. A _reeeeeal_ tragedy.' He mumbled sourly.

'So, a goodbye kiss then?'

'Huh? Oh, I guess...' he lifted up my hand hesitantly, and pressed his lips against the back of it.

'With tongue!' I commanded.

He let out an angry growl, but consented all the same. But accidently, and of no felt of mine, I not at all clumsily tripped over, and his tooth nicked by hand.

'Awwww, what a shame,' cooed James. 'Bye, guys!'

'Byeeeee, James!' the Cullens all chorused cheerfully, as I writhed on the floor in agony.

'Edward, I think there's something wrong with your girlfriend,' said Emmett absentmindedly.

'No, no, she's always like that,' said Alice.

'Oh, fuck! I think he bit her!' Edward cried, cradling me in his arms.

'You better suck out the venom,' said Carlisle gravely.

'Can't you do it?' asked Edward desperately.

There was a short pause, in which the four other Cullens exchanged looks. And then the four said bluntly, 'No.'

I was starting to go faint. It wasn't actually my felt. It was totally Charlie's! He should have taught me not to pass out when I get bitten by vampires! What an idiot!

The last thing I felt was Edward's teeth on my wrist, sucking like I missed the chance to with James.

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**Wanna know why this is all one chapter? I was making a statement, saying that this book was entirely pointless, and to make it seem to have just a **_**fragment**_** of a point, she throws in some shit about a rogue vampire. NOT A PLOT! DO NOT WRITE A BOOK ABOUT JAWS AND BLUSHING AND THEN TO ADD SOME DRAMA TO MAKE SOMEONE NEARLY DIE IN THE THIRD LAST CHAPTER! **_**WILL NOT WORK!**_

**Sorry this wasn't all that funny.**

**Oh, and I'm very sorry about the cheap shot about the French being used to incest. I mean nothing of this shit, apart from Twilight sucking hard. **

**Oh! Oh! Oh! And that thing about the lion's cage is actually thanks to SezWhin Yo. Thankyou, Sarah!**

**Last two chapters up shortly. xx**


	10. She Tripped

**Last chapter! I was going to do two, but I only needed one more. Thank you guys so much! Enjoy reading this!**

**Also, this was really hard to write. I ended up starting on the next **_**Aint It Odd**_** chapter instead – sorry!**

**Reviews please. Xxxxxx**

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_She Tripped…_

My eyes flutter open, and a groggy groan escapes my lips. I hear shuffling beside me – how annoying! My vision is blurred, a distorted world the only thing visible – how dare it be blurry and distorted? FUCK YOU, CHARLIE!

My eyes began to focus, and I saw clicking, humming machines strung beside my bed, wires and strings running from them to my veins. There was a dark shape moving beside my bed. A very sexy dark shape.

I could sense it's utter perfection, and felt a need to draw myself near, like I apparently do to everything in this series.

I reached out a pale hand (oh my godddd, I'm so pale! My life **sucks**!') and stroked the dark figure's shape. As I made contact, the figure started to take shape. And as it took shape, my hands ran themselves all over the shape's body. And as I ran my hands all over the shape's smooth body and down to the shape's crotch, my mother jumped out of my touch.

It was an easy mistake to make, after all. My mother always had a very sensual vibe. UNLIKE ME! I'M SO CRAP! ARRRRRGH!'

'Bella!' my mother cried, recovering from her initial shock. 'You're awake! You fell down some stairs, you silly muffin! Hahah! That is _so_ you!'

'Oh my god, Mum, that is so not me! Edward says I'm perfect! And because he's perfect, that means he's always right, resulting in myself being perfect! NOW FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME AND EDWARD ALONE!' For I could now see Edward feigning sleep in the corner, huddled up like a sleeping puppy. He was _such _a good actor! HOMGMGIDUIFH!

I really hoped he had heard me call him perfect. Of course he could have, because he's smart! That ought to win me some points! I am so getting laid!

'Oh yes, about him,' my mother exclaimed, plopping down into the chair beside my bed. 'He's one spicy spring roll! I checked in his pants while he slept, and – well, let's just say – LUCKY YOU!'

'Oh my goddddddd, Mum, as if you'd say that! Oh my godddd! As if you're my mum! My life sucks!'

'Well, you did fall out a window.'

Speaking of which, I realized I hurt a lot. MY LIFE SUCKS!

'Well, tata darling. Not that I'm not TOTALLY thrilled that you're alive and all, but it's half time at Phil's game and it would be just smashing to make use of the time to make some real use of his adrenaline! Kisses!' She blew a bunch of lipstick-y kisses at me, and flounced out of the room.

At once, Edward jumped up. 'Thank god,' he sighed. 'I thought she'd never leave. She kept shooting me the _weirdest _looks while I was licking your feet and smelling your breasts, as if it like, wasn't normal for boyfriend's to molest their girlfriends while they slept!'

I blushed. How dare my mum give Edward a weird look! My family was sooooo embarrassing! My life sucks!

'What happened?' I gasped, because I was in so much pain! Ah!

'Well, your face was pretty fucked up, so we told her you had fallen down some stairs,' he explained, giving me a crooked smile.

'Oh, Edward!' I cried. 'I thought I'd never see your jaw again!'

'Yes, and I thought I'd never see Daphne again,' his voice was cold, shallow, and I could see his eyes glisten with tears. 'Also, I like the way you smell, so I guess it's cool you're alive too, my love; my life; my all.'

'I love you,' I whispered, blushing.

He chuckled, and kissed me.

'But just because our life is so tragic, I'll have one more go at complaining about how hard I have it being obscenely wealthy and beautiful,' he murmured lovingly, a pained yet gorgeous knot between his artfully-sculpted brows.

'No, I'm here! I'm alive, Edward! You didn't harm me! Not except for all my broken bones and the sharp pain I experience when I inhale!' I cried, gripping his muscled yet lavishly gentle arm.

'Yes, Bella, you are. Duh! But, to be perfectly honest, your face now looks pretty fucked up,' he sighed, burying his face in his oh-so-manly hands.

I stroked his middle finger. It was so gorgeous and majestic. I gave it a lick; he tasted like nice trees. 'Why didn't you eat me?'

'Well, you know, we stopped for pizza before we came, so I was kinda full. Also, hospitals have blood-banks, so there's heaps here for transfusions. So it's all good.'

'Oh, you must love me so much to bring me to a hospital where they can give me blood!' I cried adoringly. This time I stuck his whole HAND in my mouth!

He chuckled. 'Oh, Bella, you naïve idiot that I love unquestioningly.' He paused to stroke my face, and when he spoke again he did so very slowly and clearly, as if he was talking to an idiot. 'Blood is for drinking. If I had eaten all of you, I'd have no room for more.'

'Oh, Edward, you DO care!' I sobbed, throwing myself at him.

* * *

Edward helped me into the car. He was so strong! I could never open a door all by myself.

I looked sooooo hot. But bad! But so gorgeous! But bad! The curls that famed my face perfectly were just AWFUL! And this amazing dress that made me look like a model just SUCKED! And the beautiful, ornate flowers in my hair were just horrible! The heels that made my legs look seductively curvy but delicately thin all at once were so shit! Blah, blah, blah! I'm ugly!

Alice had given me a makeover. Her room is so big! Why isn't mine! Life sucks! I love Edward!

Edward ignored my grimace. He's so cheeky! LOL!

'Edwaaaard,' I moaned. 'Where are we going! Tell me! Argh, fucker!' I told him harshly, but lovingly, because I'm never actually mad at him, because love means they never upset you in any way, or otherwise it just WON'T WORK!

Suddenly, his masculine, Barbie-girl ringtone sounded around his effeminate car.

He clicked it open. 'Hello, Charlie,' he said fluidly.

Charlie had been sooo unfair lately. Now I had a curfew! Jesus Christ! Ever since I got back from the hospital, he's been all like, "_Oh Bella, don't tap-dance with that knife!"_ and like, _"Oh Bella, darling, are you sure you don't want me to give you a lift to school? It must be ever so hard to drive with a foot enclosed in a cast"_! He's SO rude! If he didn't want me to be eaten by vampires then he should have raised me better! Idiot!

This meant Edward was being very nice to my father. Edward's tone was beseeching and quivering, and he said sorry a lot. He's so manly!

Suddenly, he began his snorty laugh, and my skin tingled with amazement at how lovely he was.

'Could I possibly talk to him maybe please, your worshipness?' Edward asked tentatively. When he spoke again, he sounded a smidgen more hostile, and I gathered that Charlie was no longer on the line.

'WHAT? NO! SHE'S WITH ME! SHE'S TAKEN! BACK OFF! WE'RE GOING TO BE TOGETHER EVERYNIGHT FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY BECAUSE THAT'S JUST HOW GOOD SHE SMELLS AND THIS MEANS SHE CAN'T HAVE A SOCIAL LIFE BEYOND ME AND MY INSANE SISTER SO **GET FUCKED!**_**'**_

Oh, he's so reasonable.

Edward snapped his top of the range phone shut.

'What was that, sugar-heaven?' I asked adoringly.

'Oh, you know, FUCKING Mike wanted to know if you FUCKING wanted to go to the FUCKING dance because you FUCKING promised him, FUCKING!' he said calmly.

I laughed. He was so witty!

Mike was such an idiot. As if he can't take a hint! I turn him down, and then JUST because I told him I could go the Prom with him he suddenly thinks I'm going to Prom with him? EW!

We pull up at school, and he helps me out of the car.

Everyone's looking at me! Yay! I'm so beautiful!

Jessica came over to me. She looked really great in her pink dress; I say this because I'm so generous, and I know I could NEVER live up to her beauty.

I'm so beautiful!

'Gosh, Bella, nice leg…' she looked me up in down, her face contorting with distaste. She obviously thought I looked beautiful.

I was just checking that my stash of arsenic as still at the ready, when someone tapped me on the shoulder, and I turned to see Jacob.

'GET OFF HER!' screamed Edward, tackling Jacob to the ground. 'She's mine! I already had to explain that to Mike! How dumb can people be!'

'Get the fuck off me,' snapped Jacob, standing up easily out of Edward's grip. I know Edward was going easy on him, because, like, otherwise Jacob wouldn't have been able to get up, because Edward's so strong.

'Jesus, fucking vampires,' muttered Jacob. 'As if I want to date _her_. My dad sent me to talk to her, because it's so controversial that you guys are dating and it really effects our pack and it's just another horrible thing you have to deal with because forbidden romance is just so original!'

'Fine,' said Edward, getting to his feet, his dignity TOTALLY still intact. 'But if I see you make eye contact with her…'

Edward brandished his fist in Jacob's direction threateningly. I could tell Jacob was scared by the way he frowned confusedly; Edward's so terrifyingly amazing, but he would never hurt me, because I'm his beautiful love. But I don't deserve him! He's just too nasally for me!

Edward backed away, and Jacob shook his head exasperatedly before looking at me. 'Look, Bella, my dad thinks it would be better if you guys don't go out. He's seen the rashes Carlisle has; it's not pretty, and he suspects his kids probably don't use protection either.'

'Oh my goddddd,' I moaned reasonably. 'Everyone's so against me! My life is so unfaaaair! You can tell your dad, if that IS his real name, that I don't care what other people think, because Edward is my life, and we're going to be together FOREVER!'

'Fine by me. Have a long and rash-filled life,' said Jacob, waving me goodbye. He so wanted me. 'And in a few months when you inevitably break up, please don't bring me motorbikes to fix and then assume we're best friends.'

Oh yeah. I could see the lust in his eyes,

'BYE BEST FRIEND!' I called, as Jacob left for his car.

Edward took me by the arm and escorted me into the dance-hall; god knows I can't enter a room by myself. The room was awash with a sea of coloured dresses and smart tuxedos. However, it was nothing compared to me – YAY!

Rosalie looked radiant, dancing with that guy she dates. I could never live up to her! Sucks to be me! Ahh!

We danced for a bit. I danced TERRIBLY of course! I suck! Edward danced my around, like a child on a parents foot. This shows JUST how much he cares for me!

Then, we headed outside.

'Jacob's such an idiot,' he growled lovingly, his arms gripping me tightly. So tightly. I think a few bones may have snapped, but its okay; Edward did it.

'He just cares about me,' I told him, but I knew Edward was actually right, of course! He's always right! 'See, he's in love with me. It's not his fault he can't resist trying to control my life.'

'Oh, by the way, Bella, I need to unsubscribe to Vogue. I think it would be best.'

'Sure thing, my lover!' I cried, resting my head against his chest.

'He made me break my promise,' Edward said, returning to the topic of Jacob. 'I promised I wouldn't let go of you. Ever. True, going to the toilet may be a little awkward, but who knows what could happen to you if you went to the bathroom alone!'

Oh, this was utterly true love. This is what you do when you're in love; you only have conversations about how tragic your lives are and how amazing the other is; you don't discuss interests or share thoughts with each other or talk about movies or books or anything else that makes up your life.

Who am I kidding? What life! When you love someone, you can't have a life! You need to work yourself around THEIR SCHEDUAL!

'I thought I was in a dress so you could bite me! Vampirs are sooo bizarre! You probably have to dress up as cats or something for that occasion! Maybe add some honey, and lick each other a bit! Bite each other, and such, obviously. Perhaps not just on the neck…Then maybe we'd lay in a pool of oil, or something like that…' I told him. I was sooo worried I'd upset him, because then my life would END!

His brow knotted beautifully.

'Oh, Edward, let's be together forever!' I cried. 'Bite me hard! And if I don't taste good enough, we could smother on a bit of hot fudge! Maybe you should get into leather underwear, and whip me a bit, just to get you in the mood for food? That always helps me.'

'Bella, you complete idiot with no faults what so ever,' he told me lovingly. 'If we were together our lives would be complete and our love wouldn't be forbidden anymore! Then I'd have nothing to complain about, and apart from being irrationally obsessed with each other complaining is the main thing we do.'

'Oh, you're so clever. Please bite me!' I told him.

He cupped my face in his hands, and pressed his lips to my neck. I shut my eyes with contentment, just as he jumped back.

'Hah!' he cried triumphantly. 'Tricked you! Yeah, you thought I was gonna bite you! You were wrong! I'm so clever! Mwahahaha!'

'Pleeeeeeeease?' I asked again.

'Oh, well, when you put it that way…' he told me.

He pressed his lips against my neck one last time.

Pretty odd, really, seeming I don't become a vampire. Just wanted to end the book with a satisfying snap! Or maybe it's because this monstrosity really should end here, except it's spontaneously decided that it would be so great if there were another three books of me complaining!

Well, thank god that won't happen.

* * *

**I know, this was supposed to be the second last chapter, but my heart's not really in it anymore, so sorry if it's not as humorous now.**

**I can't really remember what happened at the end. I know someone wanted to take her out, but I can't remember if it was Mike or not.**

**Thank you all so much for reading this! This is my first fanfiction (spare for the one I deleted) and I've really enjoyed doing this and taking the shit out of something like Twilight. I hope I've entertained you all, and thank you all so much for sticking by me.**

**Thank you, thank you, thank you to **_**WindFromTheNorth, Nadia26, emilytheunique, fyren galen, Luna, -LuVErFrenDD-, katetreloar, Too awesome for a pen name, Joja B, Lone.17, **_**and**_** 'broken-nonloved-burned-alone, Mertaisa, puddinginthesky, ermireallydon'tcare, Joja B **_**and **_** NeverSayNeverr**_** for making up forty reviews to this point! Also, thank you to those who subscribed and added to favourites.**

**And also a huge thanks to **_**Feeding-The-Wolves**_** for all her support and to **_**sezwhin yo**_** for pressuring me into continuing!**

**And, as always, please review. x**


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